remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
