New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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