i think my mom watched the whole time
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
