You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
