Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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