Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
True strength comes from lack of pants
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
