I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize