My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
