i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
