he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
