I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
