I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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