we have pet lesbian snakes
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just found puke in my bra..
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
