Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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