There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
