I'm laying in your front yard are you home
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
