Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I touched a dick in church today
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize