can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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