Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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