Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
