i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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