My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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