I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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