I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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