u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Girls should come with a carfax report
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
