I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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