There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
