We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
