My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
