All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
