bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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