Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
