I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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