The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
