I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
