You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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