I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
