just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
