the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
