So drunk, too bad you don't want this
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
