3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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