I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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