Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize