I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
