tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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