Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
