I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
