Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
