how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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