We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
