I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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