My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
someone get that fucking seahorse.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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