you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Randomize
