I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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