I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
