he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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