i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just threw up on my dentist
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
