I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
