Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
