Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
