OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm having to shit out rocks
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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