we made out on top of his cat.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
false alarm, still single
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
